Today I decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich, but we were out of cheese. I had toast. MLIA

Today, I babysat my little cousin. I asked him who his best friend was and he said "I have a girlfriend and a wife, I have no time for friends." He is 5 years old. MLIA.

Today, I passed a mental institution where the slogan was, "We're all here because we aren't all there." I couldn't stop laughing. MLIA

Today, for the first time in my life, I used the hand dryer until my hands were fully dry, without wiping them on my pants. MLIA.

Today, I got mad because I noticed that L is on the right side of the keyboard, and R is on the left side of the keyboard. MLIA

Today, I realized that the saying "Some say potato, some say potato," really doesn't translate through text. MLIA

Today, I went to the bathroom to brush my hair. I ended up brushing my teeth instead. MLIA

Today, I realized the average word of the day was "Twice." That's the same word it was yesterday. I was disappointed that they used it twice in a row. Then I got the irony. MLIA.

Today, I bought a candy bar. I accidentally threw away the candy and kept the wrapper. MLIA

Today, I thought I would be nice to my mom and unload the clean dishes out of the diswasher. After I'd completely unloaded the top shelf, I realized that they were all dirty. MLIA.